By Susan Fordyce


Oh Heavens above - I'm obsessed and I'm crazed
More often than not I go about dazed
My orchids have multiplied like rabbits in heat
I try to contain them , but they've got me beat.

I started out small - a gift from a friend -
An innocent hobby - a fabulous trend -
Soon my countertops were crammed and I added a rack
And said "No more room!" - but my resolve was to crack.

A greenhouse window was installed - and a Bay for good measure
And, lo, skylights were added for the light that they treasure.
The humidifier was next - and some fans for a breeze
(cause the mold it was causing was making me sneeze!)

I invested in Molly bolts and dozens of hooks
To hang up my Vandas like I read in the books.
Soon my shower and tub were filled to the brim
(And my social life suffered, and became very dim).

On the john I installed a fertilizer injector -
A few couplings here and a hose to connect 'er.
She works gosh darn well, though the output is small,
But I have to go to the neighbors to heed nature's call.

Throughout my kitchen - I pitched it all on a lark -
(But I did save the oven for sterilizing bark)
The cabinet doors had to go - they were abandoned with glee -
Inside I put grow lights - what an ingenious me!

Loud speakers are rigged to play a rainforest tune
(The hoot of some monkeys, the cry of a loon)
I'm sure the plants love it - they never complain
(Which is more than I can say for my neighbors refrain...)

I pilfered a street light from just down the road
and put it on a timer in my humble abode -
Now my rooms are aglow, and it's worth every watt
But the cops raided my place - they suspect I grow pot!

In my closet I've rigged up, by pulleys and chains,
a gaggle of hoses and a series of drains.
I sleep in a bunk bed with my clothes in some bags
'Cause the top bunk houses my collection of Phrags.

My plants take lots of time - but I don't need to fret -
If there are plants to be purchased - there's always the NET.
I find orchids to buy and chat with crazies like me
They give good advice (and they don't charge a fee).

If there's a program to join called "orchids ANON"
I'd check myself in - I'd surely be drawn
But alas - none exist - there's no hot line to dial -
For most orchid fanatics are in denial.

I'd build me a greenhouse, but I'm poor as a mouse
You see - I just rent this apartment - I don't own a house .
The landlord is coming to evict me next week
(My neighbors below me claim their light fixtures leak).

So here's my sad story, my little hobby gone mad,
But I've met great new friends - and that's not so bad -
In fact dear ol' friend, ol' buddy so true,
I'd like very much to come live with you!



(Used with permission of the author. Thanks, Susan - this is my story, too)